Peep: NO NO NO NO NO NO

This just confirms everything I've suspected about the ocean, namely that it harbors unimaginable monsters that want to bite your feet when you're swimming. This two-foot "giant isopod" was snapped after it was found attached to an ROV (remotely operated underwater vehicle). Apparently it's "normal" and people already know about it, but I sure as hell didn't.

From Reddit via New York Magazine

Morning Roundup: The sky is blue

-Hey, guys? Ricky Martin needs to talk to you. Can you sit down? This is really hard for him. Um, he's gay. There. He said it. He hopes this doesn't change anything, you know, like your perception of him as a beautiful, fiery Latin flower that makes his music come alive with sequins and dreams. God, it's been so hard, for Ricky, all these years, holding up this machismo facade of an Alpha male in tight pants who tears through the groupies in every city he goes to. Everyone thought he was livin' the vida loca, but he was just livin' a lie, you see? But that's all over, from here on out Ricky Martin is gay gay gay and he doesn't care who knows it!


-Oh, look at this, haha, Reuters made a "Czech" joke. Except it actually doesn't even make any sense, alas, because nobody's actually 'bouncing' a Czech, it's just Jean Claude Van Damn kicking a wine bottle of some guy's head at the Miss Czech Beauty Contest, like a trashy William Tell. You make sense of that, I'm not going to try.

But man, that's crazy how you can change out "check" for "Czech" and it's a clever joke! Last night I was at the Mount Eerie/No Kids show at Klub 007, and the insufferably cool girl keyboardist in No Kids told the crowd that it was too bad her band couldn't "Czech out Prague... get it? 'Czech?'" Yeah, they get it, hipster, they've just heard it fifty million times from foreigners and the joke's a little tired. Nobody laughed.

-Michael Kocab has finally succeeded in leaving his post as Human Rights Minister. This time it was because his party, the Greens, are protesting Prime Minister Jan Fischer's government. I feel for the guy, because work was probably the only thing keeping him sane. At home, he's got a wife he recently humiliated when the tabloids jumped on his affair with his spokesperson. Good luck with that!

Events Roundup: When marketing backfires

MUSIC

-And this week's Terrible Band Description award goes to The Subways, pictured at left, who are playing tonight at 8 p.m. at Lucerna for 500 Kc. Nothing says ROCK like a hot guitar-playing chick, a guy so awesome at the guitar that he can jump and a shirtless drummer. What are they like, you ask?

"The Subways have quickly established themselves as one of Britain's most undeniably “Arse kicking – will someone please turn that mutha up” bands. Live they will blow your brains clear through the back of your skull and leave your body flopping around like a helpless rag doll being shaken by a very petulant child who’s forgotten to take their Ritalin."

Why would I want that experience??!!

-Mount Eerie plays tonight at Strahov Klub 007. Here's a review of the latest album. Mount Eerie is Phil Everum, who was previously The Microphones. Also playing is "indie pop" Canadian band No Kids. 7:30 p.m.

MOVIES

-Febio Fest continues tonight with a huge variety of foreign films to choose from, playing at various venues throughout Prague. Here's tonight's schedule. Luckily, most of the films have both Czech AND English subtitles, so take advantage!

WATCH: The Stuff of Nightmares

The Expat Plug and Play party went down at SaSaZu (club, restaurant and creator of my favorite web site) on March 19, and the video and photos are up. I thought I was being a pervo for thinking plug and play sounded like some gross metaphor for sex, but I've been reassured that yes, that's what they were going for:



Here's the video.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=411375711277&ref=mf

Is this what the expat community is like? I have a social circle that consists of about ten people, so I can't really say either way if this is what it's really like. And while I like to keep my misanthropic people-hating to a minimum, this event particularly stoked my ire because of how stupid and boring Expats commenters can be. Have you read those threads? It's the same people, and they seem to know each other, and they're AWFUL. And now they had a party.

Peep: Psychedelic Gambling Carpets!

The New Yorker has a slideshow of the trippiest carpets casinos have to offer, the better to keep you awake with, I suppose.

Slide Show: The Carpets of Vegas

News Roundup: Models and Pornstars.

-It may not seem plausible to you after your everyday commute with the metro, but a Czech man has come in second in the Mr. World beauty contest held in Seoul. He has cheesy 80s hair and looks like he should work as one of those cocktail bartenders that do "crazy tricks" with the shaker and stuff, but that's just me not giving him enough credit. Because Mr. Beautiful Josef Karas took this contest very seriously: "Before he went to Seoul, Karas was training to be in a good shape and he learnt the basics of the Korean language."

-Former president and general darling Václav Havel would like to see the head of People in Need, Šimon Pánek, become the next president. He also mentioned again that a lady president would be a good thing.

-Is this news item 5 days old? Yes. Will I still share it with you despite its non-freshness? Yes! It's ridiculous enough to warrant attention even days later. This is a perfect example of a journo pulling something out of their ass because there's nothing real to write about. "Amid a persisting economic crisis, men in the Czech Republic are increasingly turning to a booming underground industry for a shot at prosperity - gay porn." Czech men paying their bills with gay porn? Are you serious? Surely, this is much less a trend than maybe a few individual cases. I love the picture though. If you're gonna work in gay porn, make sure to wear socks with the national flag on them.

WATCH: More UK bunnies!

Staying on the cute- bunnies- who- live- in- England beat that slow loris kicked off yesterday, I bring you a video that I came across on cuteoverload.com, a website where all things cute find a home. It's a cat that has adopted a baby bunny and treats him as one of her own babies. That's a stark contrast to the loris' mother from our newsroundup earlier. Big Thumbs Up!

Watch it here.

Events Roundup: It's the freakin' weekend

The Walrus and the Carpenter

Tonight

Everything. Do everything, tonight, because at the stroke of midnight this vision of late Spring turns into rainy and highs of 50 all weekend. No point asking why, it just is. Sunny days happen on workdays and leave you looking out your cold window on Saturday at 3 p.m. at the grayness and the rain. But give it another month and days like today will be expected, not an exception.

MUSIC

-Sofa Surfers from Austria play Akropolis tonight at 7:30 p.m. The name doesn't quite jibe with the description of their music. I was guessing beachy laid back rock. But assuming makes me look like an asshole, or something like that. Their new album, Blindside, "is an expressive creation that absorbs soul and noise, only to reflect it back, demanding physical listening (head banging, jumping, screaming) from the audience." Did you get that? Soul-absorbing.
FOOD

-Gallery Hunger has all-you-can-eat Gnocchi for only 99 Kc. Chef Michael Corkery writes that said gnocchi will "be unlike any other you have ever tasted and light as a feather." The man knows how to sell his gnocchi! The dumplings will be served in a sauce allemande with mushrooms. 8 p.m. BYOB. U Rajské zahrady 2, Prague 3 - Zizkov.


SATURDAY


FOOD

-Dear Frank Haughton,

You are the owner of Caffreys in Old Town, and of the newly re-opened James Joyce Pub. For nine years now, you have organized the Czech Republic's Oyster Shucking Championship. People, like me, can go to Old Town Square and eat raw oysters, as many as I want! Are you married? I love you. We could just be friends? I'll be at the oyster contest that begins tomorrow at 2 p.m. in Old Town Square, wearing a blue shirt and holding a red rose.

Kisses,

Slow Loris.

-Gallery Hunger hosts "Food for Dudes" at 1 p.m., a cooking lesson that takes into consideration the disconnect between a single man's needs and his abilities in the kitchen. Just kidding guys! On the menu is the traditional roast: Oven roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, sauteed mushrooms and bread pudding. Seriously, if you know how to cook, you have about a 20 percent better chance of getting laid. Not enough on its own, but if you're on the fence, it gives you that added advantage. 500 Kc. Call 722 186 547 to reserve a spot.


SUNDAY

-I must really love Gallery Hunger, or something. Actually I've never been. But this Sunday they're hosting a traditional Sunday roast with beetroot and blue cheese salad, braised chicken with root vegetables, roasted potatoes, yorkshire and bread puddings. Starts at 2 p.m., costs 250 Kc and is BYOB.

-In case this weekend was really disappointing or you didn't find yourself in enough awkard social situations (they're everywhere!) try speed dating at Cafe Bresto on Štěpánská 31. Starts at 7 p.m., the cost is 350 Kc and you have to sign up in advance here.

-It's March madness! And Czech Inn is showing some of the tournament games starting at 6 p.m. Convenient timing, as the Czech Inn has a happy hour every day from 6-8 p.m. with 20 crown budvars. Francouzska 76, Prague 10, on the 22 tram line.

-You can also catch the college basketball games on the big screen at The Globe. Specials on chicken wings: 10 wings for 100 Kc, 15 for 150 Kc and 30 for 250 Kc.

Vegan Recipe: Confetti Rice Cakes

Friday is vegan-recipe-day over here at praggeist. This week, our resident vegan cooking and baking godfairy Martuna Martinez has a nice and healthy spring snack for you. Enjoy!

Confetti risotto cakes

Yes, this is like a party in your mouth--when anise, orange zest, and minty caramelized onions get together and start popping carrot confetti and juggling rice grains.

To make this spring fest of four, you'll need:


1/2 cup uncooked rice, whichever you prefer
1 shredded carrot
1/2 pack of tofu, around 100-150g (You can store the rest immersed in water in an air-tight container for a couple of days if you remember to change the water daily.)
1 tbs of anise
juice of 1 orange
1 tsp of orange zest
1 squeeze of lemon juice
pinch of salt
pinch of cardamon

2 smaller or 1 gigantic onion
2 tsp of sugar
handful fresh mint leaves
sunflower oil


Rinse and then cook yer rice with some of that salt. Don't overcook! Looking ahead, you might wanna preheat the oven to 170C and lightly grease the muffin tins.

Meanwhile, crumble the tofu into a bowl or blender. Squeeze the life out of the orange and not all that much out of the lemon, add the zest, and blend till creamy.

In a bigger bowl, mix rice with carrot, anise and a tad of cardamon, and fold in that tropics-smelling tofu cream. Fill up the muffin tins all the way and smell the cakes bake for 25-30 minutes. (You can use the same ol' toothpick/ knife/ chopstick test with these.)

For the rooftop partay, you'll just need to heat up the oil on low heat, slice the onions finely into rings, and toss them along with the sugar. Let them sit, stirring very infrequently for as long as the cakes are baking (20-30 minutes). Feel free to add more oil if the rings are sticking to the pan. Once the heat is off, throw in the whole mint leaves and give it all a toss to blanket them in that finger-licking juice that required so little effort to make.

Cool the cakes before attempting to get them out. Dress them pretty with the minty onion. Now all you need is some Andrew WK.

Prague-Centric: Start of the Season

This is my third March in Prague, and about this time every year one question is on everyone's mind: Are the beer gardens open?

I can't speak for Riegrovy Sady, possibly the biggest beer garden in Prague. But possibly the loveliest beer garden, in Letná, has started selling beer to anyone who wants to spend the afternoon and evening in its shade.

Letná is everything Riegrovy is not. There is no big screen playing house music countdowns on MTV. The beer glasses are plastic, most every table is shaded and at night the majority of the lighting comes from twinkling Old Town Prague across the river. The view is soothing and expansive and makes your buzz that much greater.

I'd suggest you try it out today. The weather isn't supposed to hold this weekend, or even for the foreseeable future.

News Roundup: Loris babies and boring disarmament treaties.

-WTF? Really? Surely, there must have been a better picture available to illustrate the fact that the heads of state of America and Russia will be signing a disarmament treaty right here in Prague on April 8.

-He be gone. Topol, that is. I feel the ODS is like a five year old kid that is trying to get its parents' attention. Seriously, I can't take it no mo'. Topol has been replaced by Pavel Nečas as the election leader. It's kind of a big fucking deal, I know, but I'm tired of Topol, the ODS and Czech party politics in general. Sigh.

-Mr. Social Democrats leader Jiří Paroubek, staying true to his character and taking advantage of any opportunity to diss, said that if Pavel Nečas won't distance himself from ODS key figures such as Ivan Langer, Pavel Bém and of course Topol, things in the party will remain the way they used to be "with the same bad actors, just that now, they've lost their clown." That's kind of a heartbreaking image. I'm picturing one of those ugly porcelain clown dolls with a drawn-on tear on their cheek with Topol's face.

-And lastly, BIG NEWS for my fellow contributor slow loris: Two rare loris twins were born in Děčín zoo. Check them out, they're sooooooooooooooooo cute!

Unfortunately, the mother has only accepted one of them, the other is in the care of a zoo employee. I quote: "The keepers found one of the young lying helplessly on the floor." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I think my heart just burst into a million pieces. A pygmy loris baby rejected by its own mother? I'm willing to adopt, just throwing that out there!

WATCH: You don't cuddle Ralph, Ralph cuddles YOU

Events Roundup: Wooooofie!

Isn't this the cutest photo ever? I'm a big fan of art that involves chihuahuahs, or anything that involves chihuahuahs for that matter.

What's happening today? Let's take a look:

Music:

-All the cool kids are gonna go see Chain& the Gang with none other than Mr. Ian Svenonius formerly of The Make Up. Rowr. 8 p.m. at Final Club (Příběnická 8), tickets are 250 kč at the do-ah.

-If playing yourself is more your groove, and you got the blues, stop in to The Royal Oak (Anny Letenské 18) and participate in their blues jam. Starts at 7:30 p.m., no cover.

-Or you could go sing and play your little heart out over at the Czech Inn Kavarna (Francouská 76) at 8 p.m.

Chocolate:

-If you like it sweet, tonight's your night over at Gallery Hunger (U Rajské Zahrady 2). In this week's Chocolate Addicts workshop, you will learn to make chocolate mousse, chocolate cheesecake and a chocolate flan. Only 250 kč to participate, starts at 7 p.m., RSVP here.

Poetry:

-Thursday night is Poezie Suterén night, tonight over at Shakespeare's and Son's (Krýmská 12), this week with Vincent Farnsworth, Joshua Mensch and Louis Armand. Starts at 8 p.m., no cover.

Movies:

-For fans of Rembrandt or the French Institute (Štěpanská 35) screenings, I recommend catching Nightwatching tonight at 7 p.m., a movie about the creation of the painters' "The Nightwatching." 80 kč.

Bar Review: Hajnovka

So you're in Prague 2 and you want to go to a Czech pub. Vinohrady's strength are its bars, but for those who want a more pubby, homey and Czech food filled option, Hajnovka provides all that. And it's affordable. And super central. And unlike many expat hideouts, you don't run into Prague's entire population of English teachers at this roomy establishment right on Vinohradská. At a recent visit, I had a skewer of bratwurst and bacon with horseraddish, mustard and a big basket of bread for about 100 kč. It was superdelicious, even the bratwurst was decent, and that's quite a compliment coming from someone who grew up on the original Nuremberg variety. It was a daily special though, so don't sue me if you don't find it there when you go.

You can also choose from a bounty of Czech classics such as an excellent goulash there and different kinds of fried cheese. They do a fried cauliflower, baked duck with honey and also more modern interpretations of pub grub. Beer prices are fair with a Gambrinus going for 25 kč. If you're going on a weekend night, I'd recommend reserving a table as the place tends to fill up, even though it's pretty big.

Hajnovka Pub
Vinohradská 25
Praha 2
Tel.: 224 218 386
Website: http://www.hajnovka.agtoptip.eu

Morning Roundup: Same as it ever was

-Allegro, the restaurant both you and I will never be able to afford, has defended its Michelin star for the third year in a row, thanks to Executive Chef Andrea Accordi. It's the only restaurant in Prague and Eastern Europe with the culinary distinction. Fancy! Know what they're eating for dinner tonight there? For starters, a "Duo of Sea Scallops - Wrapped in Guanciale on Candied Fennel,Dried Fruit Chips and Sage, Tartare with Winter Black Truffle and Topinambour, Walnut Crisp and Trevisian Radicchio." I'm making black beans and rice tonight, so excited!

-I woke up this morning and decided I hated all politicians, and then I felt a little sad that I'd crossed that line of being completely cynical about everything. Mirek Topolanek continues to make me feel justified in that, however. Now, in spite of the fact that EVERYONE hates him and he's a turd, he won't leave unless he can take others with him.

-Cops were waiting for the Greenpeace protestors when they finally climbed down from the smokestacks yesterday, after protesting the Prunerov coal-fired plant. The jokes on you, cops! Jail's WAY better than sleeping on top of a smokestack.

-The head of the Georgian Mafia was arrested in Prague. I have no idea what Georgia is like, but I would imagine that guy is scary as hell, and his mafia makes our little mafia stateside look like the boyscouts.

-Expat biker gets honked at by Czech motorists, and says the word dickhead like fifty times, except he spells it d***head, and says the driver should have gotten his ass kicked. Men can be serious dumbasses sometimes. I used to HATE cyclists in the road, and would yell at them from out of my car window (I'm angry and aggressive). Then a cyclist ran into me when I was walking one day, I had tire marks on my leg, and I was super embarassed as it was on campus. Karma, it's real!