Evening Roundup: Shit's hitting the fan.

In honor of the melted snow, I bring you this Prague still life.

No more snow all over the streets. Only a few random blocks of grody, black ice that miraculously survived the warm temperatures. As my friend George rightly pointed out, we are now discovering that snow in Prague was mostly made up of dog poo and cigarette butts. But like this sweater, this winter is soooo passé.

So let's celebrate, shall we???!!!

FRIDAY:

- Nosh nosh nosh... It's All You Can Eat ravioli night at Gallery Hunger, and their chef once rocked my socks off with the best lasagna I ever had, so I bet this is gonna be deelish. The ravioli are stuffed with cheese and served with brown butter and sage. I'm starting to salivate. Starts at 8 p.m., runs till 11 p.m. and it's only 99 Kč. Best of all, it's BYOB.

-After, why don'tcha walk through lovely Riegrak and check out local indie musician Toby Williamson with Nina Cartier at The Royal Oak, for free music in the neighborhood. 8 p.m. to 10 p.m.

MORE MUSIC:

- Two gigs in Vršovice, one at the very lovable nano café, a tout pétit venue but a lovely one. It's a Turpentine Ray playing. They like whacky instruments like cellos and banjos and sweet folk sounds.
- Around the corner, the Czech Inn has a happy hour from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. with 20 Kč budvars, and at 8 p.m. a band called sorry, michigan is performing there.

MOVIES

-Yeah, this movie, Antichrist, it's, ah, it's not a walk in the park. Unless genital mutilation is typical of your park walks. The Prague Post's film critic and close personal friend James Walling called it "genuinely sick," and when James Walling calls something sick you better believe it, because he's a twisted dude. Just kidding James! 90 Kc, 6 p.m. Kino Aero.


-The beautiful Lucerna theater is showing New York, I Love You at 6:30 p.m. followed by an 8:45 showing of Michael Moore's Wall Street takedown, Capitalism: A Love Story. I see what you did there, Kino Lucerna. 115 Kc


SATURDAY:

FOOD:

- I dunno bout you, but I love a brunch on Saturdays, when I shouldn't be allowed near hot water and knives before 2 p.m. anyway, so Banditos read my mind with their newly introduced brunch on Saturdays and Sundays from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. You can mix and match items like buttermilk pancakes, omelettes, home-made hash browns and more. Also features two for one bloody marys and 35 Kč mimomas.

MUSIC:

- Hush Café is having a Jamaican Lounge event, so if you like happy reggae sounds and dancing, it's prolly the place to be between 9 p.m. and 4 a.m.

-The Royal Oak is having a blues show at 8p.m. with blues veterans Rene Trossman and Eric Stanglin, if you're into that kind of music.

-Das Pop, a pop band from Belgium, are playing a free show at Meet Factory, that is also re-launching its new look that night. I have no idea what they sound like, but a chance to see any band with "das" in the title for free sounds aight to me.

-And if you wanna have a club night, SaSazu, possibly Prague's weirdest venue, is having an "Indecent Upstanding Urban Party" at 10 p.m. featuring sexy ladies, a DJ that seriously goes by the name DJ Black Jesus and the usual mix of sweat, booze and thereby induced bad decisions. Gail Whitmore, Prague's one and only human jukebox, will be singing back-up! Their website is a nightmare and did not have any entry fee information. Seriously, fuck their website.

MOVIES

-Kino Aero is showing two films tonight, the Czech documentary Katka with English titles and the American Black Dynamite. Katka plays first at 6:00, and doesn't sound like the most uplifting film, so catching Black Dynamite at 8:30 might make for a good chaser.


-Lucerna again does New York, I Love You! at 1:45, and Capitalism: A Love Story at 3:45 p.m. 115 Kc.

SUNDAY:

- Sunday, Sunday. Lovely day to stay at home day in my book. Make yourself some bagels, a cup of coffee and then spend the day in bed watching videos, reading and making love to your hand or significant other.

-If you're more cultivated than that, go and see Frantíšek Matoušek's brilliant exhibition at DOX. He paints on denim and his paintings are really worth checking out.

MOVIES

-Lucerna shows New York, I Love You! at 2, 4:30 and 6:30 p.m. with one showing of Capitalism: A Love Story at 8:45 p.m. Kc.

UHHH...

-I was under the impression that the official Month of the Moustache was in November (Movember), but according to these dudes, it's February. Well thank god, because you can never have enough mustaches (absolutely not true). Tonight they're having the sixth annual awards for the best one, and some other unintelligible events, for example:
"An exclusive reportage and the winner of the second year of February moustache from Žilina, Slovakia. The bar will be tended by Jede Frau which will definitely be fine."
On second thought, this sounds awesome. Starts at 8 p.m. 140 Kč. Branická 41, Prague 4.

AAAAAAAAAH: Super Saver Lillian eats young men for breakfast!

What a creepy fucking commercial I just discovered. WATCH this, it's short and you need to know what I'm talking about...

That video makes me feel really uncomfortable. Something about the way she says "Two is better than one, that's what I always say" scares the shit out of me. It also sounds like it could have a sexual subtext. Is it just me, or is Super Saver Lillian talking about more than just earning double bucks at CVS?

It doesn't help that she looks like a turtle on acid, either.

R.I.P. Hlavní nádraží Megasekáč or How the cruel hands of time killed my vintage wonderland

Oh how I will miss thee, Hlavní nádraží Megasekáč.

We had some good times together, especially last winter, when Sunday was 5 Kč day. In those months, I'd visit you with a 100 kč note in my pocket and come home with a pile of smelly, but oh so lovely and oh so cheap clothes. So in memory of those great days, here's a picture of some of the great clothes I bought when you were still up and running:

Turns out it's really hard to take a good photo of a garment by itself - all the ones I took looked like evidence pics from a crime scene, and I didn't feel like "modelling" them myself because of my post-Christmas and post-New Year's resolution diet failure.

Anyway, 5 Kč? For clothes that make you look, um, not homeless after you've put them in the washer?

And I didn't even mind all the shady figures that would stroll the aisles alongside me, or the fact that there was only one changing room ( who would give a shit at 5 kč a pop? If you're a thrift store pro, you just eyeball that shit and hope it works) or the service "without a smile."

None of that could have come between us, but I guess I kind of forgot about you for a while because you didn't have the 5 Kč Sundays every week anymore. And then, after months of not seeing you, I make it to your faithful lovely doors only to discover this:

Closed down!!!

So, with the last megasekáč gone from the center of the city, slow loris and I are due for an excursion to the other location at Praha-Úvaly. That's REALLY far out and we'll let you know if it's worth it. Also, I'll keep you posted on smaller thriftstores within the city.

Morning Roundup: The Politician edition

-Al Gore, I love what you're doing for the environment and your 30 Rock appearances are brilliant. But, ČSSD? Just say no! I'm all for spreading the good word, but Jiří Paroubek is not your friend and nobody likes him here. You will have egg on your face, and I mean that in both the literal and figurative sense.

-In SEXIER news: Czechs busted in Liverpool for "sham marriage ring" and bigamy! To be honest, I can't really tell you what the article is trying to say beyond that, it's pretty confusing, as I would imagine all sham marriage rings to be.

-President Vaclav Klaus totally wants to make out with Russia. He's paid three visits to Russia since he took office, and now he's letting Russian President Dmytry Medvedev personally open an exhibit of Kremlin treasures in the Prague Castle. Maybe he's feeling nostalgic?

-Russia also just recently admitted for engaging in a diplomatic tit for tat, expelling Czech journalist Josef Pazderka in response to the Czech Republic expelling a Russian journalist last year. And on that note, I am going to stop writing unfavorable news items about the most excellent Russia. I love that place! And Putin is dreamy. Also, dolphins love him.

-Anthony Bourdain makes a bunny orgy joke while visiting Prague, and makes me fall in love with bad Czech food all over again. Watch it on Youtube.

-Martina Sáblíková will carry the Czech flag at the Olympic's closing ceremony. Last item. The 22-year old is the first Czech to win three medals at the Winter Olympics. Every time the Olympics are held I start out whining about how they're boring and a waste of space. Then my cynical little heart gets warmed when I actually watch someone realize their dreams, and I shed a tear. Good thing this only happens once every four years, I wouldn't want to turn into some sort of softie, jeeze.

-And finally, Spring really is here, and the crazies have come out to celebrate. This morning I saw a man clad from head to toe in leather, including a cowboy hat pulled mysteriously low over his face. All I could see was his grizzled beard, as the mysterious cowboy of tram line number nine softly plucked at his UKELELE. The best part was the looks on the faces of the other tram riders, based on their reactions you'd think the guy was holding a loudly ticking box. Not a lot of tolerance for absurdity on the morning commute in this country.

-Update: when photo editors smoke crack!

WATCH: I KNEEEAD YOU!

A few days ago, cuteoverload.com had a most adorable digest covering the recent youtube micro-trend of videos with kitties giving each massages. It's called kneading, and apparently, a cat will do it when he or she feels VERY comfortable. My favorite line in their whole post is this, in response to the question "Why do kittens knead?" When they're babies, it's too draw milk out of their mothers' nipples, but when they behave that way when they're older, it's "a good sign that they’re happy, content, and probably recalling their kittenhood."

My favorite video is this one.

Evening roundup: Feels like Spring!

You can come out, now!

MUSIC

-Vinohrady's little slice of Blighty, The Royal Oak, hosts The Blues Jam Session "for anyone who would like to come and play or listen to the blues." Takes place on the last Thursday of every month. From 7:30-10 p.m. Anny Letenské 18, Prague 2.

-Balkan brass band Orchestre International du Vetex. The ragtag group comes from Belgium, but their sound is Southeast Europe. 7:30 p.m. at Palac Akropolis, 200-250 Kč.

-Alexander Rybak is the baby-faced violinist from Norway who swept 2009's Eurovision with a little ditty he likes to call Fairytales. Eurovision being the insanely popular show that pits music acts representing each country against each other. Think American Idol, but with the dignity of a nation at stake. Lucerna, 9 p.m.

BARS/CLUBS

-SaSaZu (click on that link only if you want to see what web-design terrorism looks like) is running out of ideas and throwing a "Crazy Hair Party" beginning at 10 p.m. Next weekend: Wacky T-Shirt Night.

-Daily happy hour at The Globe from 5-7 p.m. Half price cocktails, 25 Kc beers, 30 Kc wine and 5 Kc chicken wings. Pstrossova 6, Prague 1.

READINGS

- Poezie Suterén at the famed Cafe Montmartre. Poet Sylva Fischerová reads in both Czech and English beginning at 8 p.m. Řetězová 7, Prague 1.

MOVIES

- Kino Aero is showing a special English-subtitled version of the powerful documentary Katka. From their web site: "Observed for over a decade (13 years), this documentary follows Katka, Lada and Jana through their world of drugs, prison, love and responsibility. They live on the streets in Prague, hustling for drugs, stealing, attempting murder. Lada and Jana end up in prison. Katka ends up expecting a child. Will she manage to overcome this most difficult battle of her life?" At 8:30 p.m. 100 Kc.

BARS: Bukowski's

I'm not going to try to relate Charles Bukowski in any way to what this bar is like. That'd be dishonest of me. I do have a Bukowski book in my flat, but it's not mine and I've never read any of his work.

But I'll tell you a story about writers, anyway! One time I was at Bukowski's and I started randomly talking to the guy sitting next to me. I hate admitting that I have this sort of lame conversation at bars, but it came up that I liked Hemingway, and he proceeded to scoff and snort and make all sorts of pretentious grunts. The Prague mating ritual! Somehow his rebuttal was to go on about his love for Larry McMurtry, the manliest of all authors who wrote epic cowboy saga Lonesome Dove. Later, he asked me if I was "going to take him home or not." I wanted to high five him for being so amazingly bad at getting laid, but instead I just asked him if he knew that Larry McMurtry had also written the screenplay for Brokeback Mountain. You know, the movie with the two cowboys that are always doing it. I went home alone that night.



This is not to say you or your literary tastes will be accosted by a horny and confused blowhard. Evenings at Bukowski's can be what you want them to be. There are enough friendly people you can chat up at the bar, or you can stay isolated at your little candle-lit table and just watch from afar. It's a pretty even mix of young Czechs, travelers, students and maybe one or two English teachers (HA!). It might be the boozy soft lighting, but people are generally pretty attractive here. Artwork on the walls shift every couple weeks, and décor is subtle enough to fade into the background even though a closer look reveals it to be fun and quirky. And hey, you're in Žižkov, the Prague 3 "Brooklyn of Prague" as more than one misguided soul has told me in heartbreaking earnestness. So if you don't like it, walk out and find another bar a couple steps away.

The bartenders here really deserve a special mention. Last time I was there, one of them pulled off a minor architectural feat with wooden skewers, cherries and pineapple slices atop a White Russian. My boyfriend was pretty psyched. Another night I slurred out an order for three Old Fashioneds, because I'm in love with Don Draper and make poor decisions when I'm drunk, and the bartender didn't even bat an eye.

BUT HERE, HERE is the kicker. Tuesday nights are Sangria night. Girls can come in and get pitcher after pitcher of sugary boxed wine with fruit for FREE. I haven't been able to find a catch. And before you get your boxer briefs in a bunch, boys, 0.3 l beers are 10 Kč on Sunday nights.

The only bad part of Bukowski's, as far as I can tell, is that depending on where you live, you might have to hike up the second worst hill in Prague. If you're taking the tram to Husinecká (the closest stop) don't light your cigarette once you get off. I don't care who you are, you will be out of breath once you get to the bar.



Bukowski's
Bořivojova 86, Prague 3-Žižkov
Tel. 774 530 689

News Roundup: Gold! Gold!

- This is turning into more and more of a sports fairytale and it might be too much to handle for me. I mean, come on! Martina Sáblíková is KICKING ASS at the Olympics, and she didn't even have a proper training space back home (speed skating ain't big over here). But trainer Petr Novak, "a barrel-chested bear of a man who shed tears of joy after his star pupil's performance" always believed in her, so much so that he ended up on wellfare at one point because he spent all this time training her, getting Sáblíková where she is today - which is the first Czech woman EVER to win Gold twice at the Winter Olympics. Go Martina!

-After the men's hockey team had survived the scare against Latvia, Finland kicked our booties and the Czech Hockey team is out. Bummer.

-Apparently, this is exactly what sex in the workplace looks like, at least to the editors over at Lidové Noviny. This warrants an LOL. Thanks to Rob for this.

-UPI corespondent Marc S. Ellenbogen is SICK of it and not afraid to say it out aloud. Sick of what? A little thing called corruption, that, believe it or not, is "at the top echelons nearly everywhere" here in the Czech Republic. Uh-oh. Ellenbogen gets so irate in this nearly unreadable rant that he calls Minister of Defense Martin Barták a "crock." My favorite is this though: "It is time to slap these folks down. It is time to remove their grubby hands from the cookie jar."

-If there is a crime I condemn, aside from the obvious ones like murder, rape and corruption, it's puppy smuggling. A Slovak national was caught smuggling 47 puppies across the Austria, trying to get to Spain. He just kind of threw the five-week-old cuties under his seat, too. How could you do that? Apparently, the last time a puppy smuggler got caught, 20 out of his 137 dogs died during the transport.

WATCH: Ernie K. Doe: “Mother-in-law”

Though this track isn’t new in any way, it might be somewhat obscure to people outside of New Orleans, so in honor of this great city and since Mardi Gras just passed, we bring you a little Southern gem.

You just gotta love Ernie K Doe. This song from 1954 is the only Top-40 hit this mean rhythm and blues machine ever had, and boy, it’s a catchy tune.

There’s also plenty of interesting trivia surrounding Ernie’s persona:

Ernie started going by “The Emperor of the Universe” in the 1990s and became one of those New Orleans characters you’d see around town, sporting a cape and crown.

He’s got a bar in town, the “Ernie K Doe’s Mother-in-Law Lounge”, complete with a life size figure of him. Ernie died in 2001, and his widow Antoinette operated it until her death in 2009. I have no idea who runs it now but it’s one of those places that wouldn’t shut down.

And lastly, Ernie was buried in the same tomb as his second mother-in-law. Now, aint’ that a sweet note to end on!

Ernie K Doe "Mother-in-law"

Evening Roundup: Happy Humpday!

Tomorrow it’ll be the almost-weekend. If you are counting down the days that is. I sure am, since it looks like this may be the first weekend with decent weather in a while!

For a little mid-week pick-me-up, try this:

SOUNDS:

- 7 p.m. Open Mic night at the Royal Oak (Anny Letenské 18). This tends to be a good time and it ends at 10 p.m. because of a curfew, so it's good weeknight fun.

-10 p.m. Blind Eye (Vlková 26) is having a "Be Your Own DJ" event. Sign up to DJ is at 8 p.m. and as the name says, you get to DJ (for five songs, and you need to bring your own MP3 player or laptop)

RITZY AND WEIRD:

- A Chinese New Year and First Anniversary Celebration kicks off at Buddha Bar (Jakubská 8) ay 7:30 p.m. Umm, if you don't mind that the Year of the Tiger started over a week ago on February 14 and that it’s 988 Kč to get in, this may be one for you. The dress code is “chic” (hint: that means you cannot wear your Juicy Couture sweat suit). If you're liquid enough to blow that kind of money on a pawty, you get free finger food, wine and beer all night, and the event coordinator told me there was going to be “ a fashion show and plenty of other surprises.” I'm picturing men in tiger versions of the popular elephant thong, but maybe I just have a vivid imagination...

ARTSY:

- From the facebook description of the event:

"We are delighted to invite you to the vernissage of the exhibition of Damien Mitchell - australian streetartist who lives in Prague. In this exhibition Damien will present his new artworks created with a stencil technique that is so typical for streets of cities today. You can see Damien's artworks in the streets of Prague, Melbourne, Berlin or Kiev." The event starts at 7 p.m. at The Chemistry Gallery ( U Kanálky 4), with live music (Steve Beatsmith) from 20:30.

BOOZE:

- Happy Hour from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. at Hush Café ( Lublaňská39), granted, this one’s only for teachers and students, but Hush Café is a nice little refuge in the relatively ugly I.P. Pavlova area and it’s quiet and mellow in the early evening.

MOVIES:

- If you still like Mel Gibson post-Passion of Christ and are in the mood for a thriller, Edge of Darkness is showing at the very cool Kino Atlas (Sokolovská 1) twice tonight, at 6:30 or 8:30 p.m.. Tickets are 119 Kč, English with Czech subtitles

- 7 p.m. Prorok (A prophet) at the French Institute (Štěpánská 35). If you can follow Czech subtitles at all or if you are fluent in French, this movie is one to not miss. A brutal but captivating prison drama that manages to raise some really interesting moral questions. It's France's submission to the Academy Awards, y'all! Tickets are 80 Kč, French with Czech titles.

- Modern day Blaxploitation flicks are hard to come by, so you really should go and check out Black Dynamite before it's too late. For example tonight at 7 p.m. at Kino Evald (Národní 28). Tickets are 99 Kč, English with Czech subtitles

- 9 p.m. "Up in the Air" is a good bet for all the ladies who are still crushing hard on George Clooney, anyone who liked "Thank you for smoking" and anyone who appreciates an easy-to-follow, entertaining story to make your middle of the week a bit more enjoyable. It's showing at Kino Evald (Národní 28), tickets are 99 Kč, English with Czech subtitles

Do you have any events you’d like to see added to our events roundup? Email praggeist@gmail.com

WTF: The monster of Riegrovy Sady

Ok it's not a monster, it's a mountain lion, also known as a cougar, also known as a really fucking big animal that can kill you. This picture was taken during the day by a friend. I personally saw the thing while cutting through the park one night. Usually I get a little creeped out doing that at night because who knows what kind of weirdos are lurking in the bushes. But now, I can also be afraid of wild animals that have been 'domesticated.'

The best part is this little leash thing the owners have it on. Like a leash is going to prevent this thing from doing what it likes to do, such as gnawing on humans, chasing prey and mauling things.

Also, this raises some strange questions. Clearly the owners live nearby, as I doubt that animal does well in the car. The park is surrounded only by apartments, so somebody is living in an apartment with a cougar. What does one feed a cougar? Is this even legal? And what's the best defense in a cougar attack? Should you play dead, kick it or yell 'what's that over there?!' and then run away when it looks?

Morning Roundup: What's a Haiti?

-A travel agency will send your stuffed animal on a trip to Prague for 90 euro. This is painfully dumb. I read this and had to smoke a cigarette. But now I've regrouped and I've got some thoughts I'd like to share. Firstly, I feel a twinge of sympathy for the travel agency underlings that have to take stuffed animals to get massages, and take pictures of that. Secondly, if that was my job, I'd do other things to the stuffed animals, too. I'd take them to the basement of Chapeau, make them buy overpriced drugs, make them pretend dance to bad house music and then have them wake up next to other strange stuffed animals. Please take a minute to picture that.

-The Czech government has just made the swine flu vaccine available to everyone. You know, the vaccine they ordered one MILLION of, that inoculates you against a disease that zero people are afraid of anymore? The guy in charge of the whole damn program didn't even get one. This feels like trying to avoid eye contact with the bum on the street who's selling old Discmans and pagers.

-This March 1 transport strike is wrong, all wrong. How am I supposed to care about your benefit tax if I'm not even getting a day off out of it?

-Segregation! Utterly depressing, but not that surprising.

-Does the word "burgles" strike you as funny? This Czech guy tried to play out a real-live version of Gone in 60 Seconds, but totally lost cool points with the dorky headline. Newspapers, so underminey.

-Czechs are building a hospital in Haiti. I would donate money, but I kind of want something in return. Do you think they'd take my stuffed animal with them and take cute pictures of him taking someone's blood pressure?

Roundup: Tuesday Boozeday

It's Tuesday! That means you're over 48 hours removed from your last hangover, and have probably totally forgotten about all those promises never to drink again. It's kind of like how women forget enough about the pain of childbirth to go through it again. Worst metaphor ever?

DRINKS

-Top of my list on Tuesdays, because I'm a chick, is Sangria night at Bukowski's bar. The quality is 'meh' but why look a gift booze in the teeth? And boys, this one's actually worth it, because chicks actually DO show up, and they DO get drunk. I'm speaking from experience! See ya'll there!!! 7-10 p.m. Bořivojova 86, Prague 3-Žižkov.

MOVIES

-Kino Aero, the cinema for hipsters, is showing Harold & Maude. From their web site: "Harold is a depressed, death-obsessed 20-year-old man/child who spends his free time attending funerals and pretending to commit suicide in front of his mother. At a funeral, Harold befriends Maude, a 79-year-old woman who has a zest for life." In English, with Czech subtitles, 92 minutes and 90 Kc. Starts at 6 p.m.

-If movie listings are too pedestrian for you, then agree to a blind date with Kino Aero. At 8:30, they're playing a movie, but they're not saying what it is! Entrance is 0 crowns, and you pay after if you deem it acceptable. This is riskier for non-Czech speakers, as movies are shown in original versions with Czech subtitles, so uni-linguists be warned.

-If you haven't seen a movie in Lucerna's gorgeous theater, here's your chance! Playing at 6:30 p.m. is Pouta (Pictured above) a Czech film-noir set in 1982 by film maker Radim Spacek. Main character Antonín is a member of the secret police, and struggles with all the difficulties I would imagine comes along with being a member of the secret police. 115 crowns.

Love is alive and well! (At least until one of the parties is full grown)

This story is great. So great, that I really hope there's no follow-up stories, because let's be honest, it could end badly.

A boar and a dog living in a German farm are in love, and squeeze their cute little bodies into a little basket every night so they can snuggle. I know your hearts are still rotten and black from Valentine's day, but doesn't this make your heart tingle a little bit?

Why am I afraid it could end badly? the farmer refers to the pig as 'Schnitzel.' That doesn't bode well for the boar.

Relationship advice: Good Cop, Bad Cop helps you figure out your life

Relationship advice from Miss Blueberry, who tries to see the silver lining in everything, and Captain Sensible, a man who tells it like it is, even if it's painful.

We're still looking for a picture to go with this category, so if you can draw or are artistically inclined in any way and would like to be featured on this page, email us at praggeist@gmail.com. Now for the actual column:

Dear GCBC,

I'm definitely not the first person in Prague to face this problem, but here it is: I'm fucking a terrible artist.

We met at a bar a while back, and she was cute, sharp and bought me a shot of whiskey. I'm pretty used to these statements at this point, so I didn't really pay much attention when she mentioned that she's a writer. Whatever, who isn't, I thought. This was about two months ago, and it turned out we were both interested in each other beyond the casual fling. The problem is... she REALLY thinks she's a writer. And two nights ago she made a big deal about showing me her novel in progress. It was awful, so awful I don't know if I did a decent job covering up the look of shock on my face. This of course led to me frantically spewing out praise like she'd just given me my first blowjob. It was like when your friend tries to go for an edgy haircut or buys a hideous pair of shoes, and it's just so fucking bad your first reaction is to tell them how much you love it.

It was a total boner-killer.

So, do I get past this by continuing to feign admiration, even though she's delusional and writes like a 14 year old who just read Catcher in the Rye, do I give her my honest opinion and encourage her toward other pursuits, or do I dump her and clue her in to the fact that maybe too many lying assholes have given her the misguided idea that she's got any sort of talent?

Sincerely,

Lying Asshole


Dear lying asshole,

This is a dilemma indeed. Basically, what you need to do is figure out if there are enough aspects of her you enjoy to outweigh your girlfriend’s misconception of her literary talents. It also depends on how much of a part of her personality she considers her penmanship. If writing terrible novels is something she sees as her favorite activity, then staying with her may not be a good idea.

For example, if she is very vocal about her writing or feels a deep need to share it with you, then chances are you’re better off breaking up. If, on the other hand, you can get away with simply telling her that talking about novels or literature in general isn’t your thing, this unpleasant side of hers may not have to enter into the relationship as much.

As for honesty and telling her what a terrible writer she is, I wouldn’t bother. She will figure it out eventually and if she doesn’t, she will live happily under the assumption of being a great creative talent. And we all just want to be happy, no?

Good luck and take care,

Good cop.

Lying asshole,

Dude! She told you the first time you met that she was a “writer”. That constitutes fair warning! What did you expect, that she’d be the new Sylvia Plath, Flannery O’Connor or even the bint who createdBridget Jones? Don’t tell me you’re genuinely surprised her “writing”is so bad it both sucks and blows?!

Anyway, the main thing now is to extricate yourself from the situation and give her the old heave-ho ASAP. You’ve already suffered in reading at least part of her shit
novel and I think you can safely skip any lengthy, potentially painful(to you) explanation as to why you’re dumping her.

Just use the line “it’s not me, it’s you” and make a quick getaway. And remember, my lying friend, this is Prague and chicks who “write” have been a local hazard for going on two decades (as indeed have dude “writers”: in fact, the still-looking-for-the-new-frickin-Left-Bank wannabe
Hemingways are no doubt even more numerous and pretentious). In any case, be more careful next time. Or pretend you’re illiterate.

Yours,

Bad cop.


Have a problem you could use some help with? Email praggeist@gmail.com. We treat all submissions discreetly and never publish actual names.

Morning roundup: Forever young?!

Tuesday, smoozday. But hey, it's kind of sunny out and springs is ah-comin'! And with it, lots of tours and concerts are being announced....

-If your taste in music sucks, you're in luck: German "scandal" rapper Bushido announced a concert in Prague's Lucerna music bar on Monday. The mess is to go down on April 21, and Czech pop icon Karel Gott might even make an appearance - the two had collaborated together on this piece of shite in the past.

-Regardless of who bribed whom to do what in the latest Ministry of Defense public tender affair over the Pandur personnel carries, is anyone else in awe of the face on this guy? I love when corruption scandals bring semi-obscure ČSSD officials out of the wood works.

-OWLS! Starving! Right here, in the Czech Republic. Apparently, in the Vysočina region of the Czech Republic, the long winter has wiped out so many mice that owls have nothing to eat. That makes us really sad. Yet another sign this winter has been going on for too long.

- Prague 2 has its own babybox, right in its purported heart, at Naměstí Míru. So if you have any unwanted offspring you need to get rid off, no more lengthy commute to Hloubětín! This is the first one to be installed outside of a hospital, and I'm not sure if I'd trust authorities that can't even make the open card work to take care of an adoption. Plus, it looks like a microwave/oven.

WATCH: Caribou's Odessa

Caribou is Canadian musician Daniel Snaith. If I had to just slap a genre onto his work, it'd be electronic, but don't make any judgments based on that. It's sultry with a strong enough beat to keep it lively, and I would guess that it would appeal to a pretty broad spectrum of people and tastes.
"Odessa" is off of his upcoming album Swim, which will be released April 19.
The video seems to have been released at the perfect time of year. The song is warm, but the video shows cold images of a winter that's held on for too long. Sound familiar?

Caribou - "Odessa" Video - Video - Stereogum

Evening Roundup: What's happening, Praha?

If you're having "just another manic Monday" and you want to hide under a blanket, I'm with you. But if you're one of those people that are feeling all perky because Sunday’s left them with enough energy to leave the house tonight, check this:

Two pub quizzes tonight:

8 p.m. at the Czech Inn (Francouzská 76) hosted by Paul, but get there early if you want to snag a booth or good seating for that matter, it tends to fill up.

7 p.m. at the Royal Oak (Anny Letenské 18) as part of their monthly pub quiz series.

A happy hour we like:

5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. at Banditos (Melounová 2, daily). Especially if you're craving cheap Mexican food. The 50 Kč nacho plate is actually quite filling. Of course, drinks are on special, too.

The movies:

6 p.m. Pouta, at Lucerna Kino (Vodičkova 36), tickets are 115 Kč, Czech with English subtitles

7 p.m. Black Dynamite, at Kino Evald (Národní 28), tickets are 99 Kč, English with Czech subtitles

8:45 p.m. The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, at Světozor (Vodičkova 41) , tickets are 100 Kč, English with Czech subtitles

9 p.m. Up in the Air, at Kino Evald (Národní 28), tickets are 99 Kč, English with Czech subtitles

Song and Dance:

Sssssh: 8 p.m. Karaoke at Blind Eye (Vlková 26), and happy hour from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Spooky places in Prague: Legerová passage (where vegetable oil goes to die)

This place has all the familiar trappings of a spooky place: bad graffiti, a pungent smell and questionable goods for sale. This is what I personally imagine the gates to hell might look like:

And really, Legerová passage atop Muzeum is close enough.

For the deranged one-stop shopper, this passage packs a Russian specialties food store (I’m pretty sure Russian food is what they serve in hell), a bakery, a večerka type of store, the pizza place that prompted Prague food blogger Brewsta to write this love letter (it's ok but who would want to eat pizza in these surroundings?) and a Chinese food vendor (to be blamed for the eternal stench of stale vegetable oil inside the passage).

But, what's most shocking of all, this shabby little passage features an effin’ butcher!!!!

Because, you know, this is the environment that makes you feel perfectly comfortable buying RAW MEAT.

Bitch, please. We all make bad choices sometimes, but really? Literally the only item I would ever consider buying in that butcher's is this plastic bag featuring pictures of meat:

That’s kind of cool.

What’s most shocking is that there are actual customers in it every time I walk through the passage, which is quite often. It’s the most convenient way for me to get from my workplace to the Wenceslas Square location of Marks and Spencer’s, where I buy enough wine and dark chocolate ginger cookies to erase any possible nightly visions of this place from my mind.

A clever promoter seems to have picked up on the bad vibe in this passage and deemed it a perfect spot to advertise meditation classes (if sweets and wine are too pedestrian for you):

On occasion, there is an old lady selling flowers on the Muzeum end of the passage and I’ve always wanted to talk to her to find out what brought her there. I haven’t seen her in a while, though. Maybe she’s decided Legerová passage is too bleak and taken up shop elsewhere. I’ll keep you posted.

UPDATE: My friend Ben tells me that the flower lady can now often be seen in front of the Braník brewpub on Vodičková street. Thanks for the info, Ben! I was concerned about her whereabouts.

Morning Roundup: Does this outfit make me look PHAT?!

Happy Monday to you! Look at it this way, at least you're not a player on the Czech national hockey team. More specifically, at least you're not Jaromír Jágr.

-Jágr LITERALLY got knocked on his ass by the apparently unstoppable force that is Alexander Ovechkin, "a force of nature that unleashed its proud fury Sunday for all to see in Russia's 4-2 win over its Slavic neighbor." I know sports journalists are prone to hyperbole, but Michael Farber sounds like he's writing for the Kremlin.

-Related: Czech athletes are bringin' the SEXY! Or, bringin' the migraines, depending on who you ask.

-Where is your favorite place to drink in Prague? If you said subterranean, filth-encrusted casino bars in Metro stations, you're in luck, because the Transportation Authority hearts them too!

-The Civic Democrats (ODS) have seen the future, and it looks blue and homogenous. Also, party chair Mirek Topolánek haz a sad in the photo.
UPDATE: Topolánek also has a divorce! Which is sort of non-news, since he's been living with his lovah and baby momma, Lucie Talmanova, since 2007. Talmanova is the deputy chairwoman of the Chamber of Deputies for ODS. Seriously, it's different over here, y'all! John Edwards did the same damn thing and he is possibly the most reviled man in the U.S. right now. Meanwhile Mirek didn't skip a beat.