Relationship advice: Good Cop, Bad Cop helps you figure out your life

Relationship advice from Miss Blueberry, who tries to see the silver lining in everything, and Captain Sensible, a man who tells it like it is, even if it's painful.

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Dear GCBC,

I'm definitely not the first person in Prague to face this problem, but here it is: I'm fucking a terrible artist.

We met at a bar a while back, and she was cute, sharp and bought me a shot of whiskey. I'm pretty used to these statements at this point, so I didn't really pay much attention when she mentioned that she's a writer. Whatever, who isn't, I thought. This was about two months ago, and it turned out we were both interested in each other beyond the casual fling. The problem is... she REALLY thinks she's a writer. And two nights ago she made a big deal about showing me her novel in progress. It was awful, so awful I don't know if I did a decent job covering up the look of shock on my face. This of course led to me frantically spewing out praise like she'd just given me my first blowjob. It was like when your friend tries to go for an edgy haircut or buys a hideous pair of shoes, and it's just so fucking bad your first reaction is to tell them how much you love it.

It was a total boner-killer.

So, do I get past this by continuing to feign admiration, even though she's delusional and writes like a 14 year old who just read Catcher in the Rye, do I give her my honest opinion and encourage her toward other pursuits, or do I dump her and clue her in to the fact that maybe too many lying assholes have given her the misguided idea that she's got any sort of talent?

Sincerely,

Lying Asshole


Dear lying asshole,

This is a dilemma indeed. Basically, what you need to do is figure out if there are enough aspects of her you enjoy to outweigh your girlfriend’s misconception of her literary talents. It also depends on how much of a part of her personality she considers her penmanship. If writing terrible novels is something she sees as her favorite activity, then staying with her may not be a good idea.

For example, if she is very vocal about her writing or feels a deep need to share it with you, then chances are you’re better off breaking up. If, on the other hand, you can get away with simply telling her that talking about novels or literature in general isn’t your thing, this unpleasant side of hers may not have to enter into the relationship as much.

As for honesty and telling her what a terrible writer she is, I wouldn’t bother. She will figure it out eventually and if she doesn’t, she will live happily under the assumption of being a great creative talent. And we all just want to be happy, no?

Good luck and take care,

Good cop.

Lying asshole,

Dude! She told you the first time you met that she was a “writer”. That constitutes fair warning! What did you expect, that she’d be the new Sylvia Plath, Flannery O’Connor or even the bint who createdBridget Jones? Don’t tell me you’re genuinely surprised her “writing”is so bad it both sucks and blows?!

Anyway, the main thing now is to extricate yourself from the situation and give her the old heave-ho ASAP. You’ve already suffered in reading at least part of her shit
novel and I think you can safely skip any lengthy, potentially painful(to you) explanation as to why you’re dumping her.

Just use the line “it’s not me, it’s you” and make a quick getaway. And remember, my lying friend, this is Prague and chicks who “write” have been a local hazard for going on two decades (as indeed have dude “writers”: in fact, the still-looking-for-the-new-frickin-Left-Bank wannabe
Hemingways are no doubt even more numerous and pretentious). In any case, be more careful next time. Or pretend you’re illiterate.

Yours,

Bad cop.


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