From the news: Wind of Change

-As a German, I just can't ignore this (via Captain Sensible). The Social Democrats have invited no one else but The Scorpions, the band that brought us the famous soundtrack to the fall of the Berlin Wall, to rock out at their main pre-election event over in Ostrava. When is it? How much are tickets? Excuse me while I check my agenda.

Vegan Recipe: Lime-and-coconut takeover

Spring disappeared temporarily, so why not go for a lime-coconut cupcake-party in yo mouf' until the sun comes back? I mean, look at that beauty up above! Martina Martinez shows you how to do the delicious.

Before you think, Another cupcake?, take a closer look at this one. See the half-nude beau—or belle, whatever rocks your boat—juggling coconuts and limes under the sweltering skies and luxuriant trees of the tropics? Well, this is that inside a paper liner. Sweet and tangy and precious-looking. If there were one cupcake apt to take over the world, this one would get my vote.


Stuff you'll need:
1/3 cup vegetable oil
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 cup coconut milk
1/4 cup soy milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp coconut extract
1 tbsp grated lime zest
1 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
1 cup coconut


For the icing:

1/2 cup shortening (Blesk-Malinda Baker's Fat by Natural works well despite its dubious name. You can get it in any of those bio stores.)
1/2 cup margarine (Avoid softening the margarine by leaving it out of the fridge. That won't work with icing.)
3 cups confectioner's sugar (Yes, that's three cups.)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tbsp lime juice
1 tsp grated lime zest
1 cup flaked coconut
thin slices of lime


As usual, preheat the oven to 170C and line the cupcake pan with liners. In a bowl, mix the oil, sugar, coconut milk, soy milk, vanilla, coconut extract and lime zest. Add the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt and mix till smooth. Add in the coconut, and mix. Let bake for about 25 minutes.

Meanwhile get your icing gear out. Beat the shortening with the margarine until what might qualify as fluffy. Add the sugar and beat some more. Now, just add the lime juice, zest, and vanilla, and beat to combine. Chill until the cupcakes are completely cool, then heap the frosting onto them. Spread the coconut flakes onto a plate and roll your cupcakes around in it. Decorate with lime slices, and tadah! (Oh, do keep them refrigerated for aesthetics' sake.)

WTF: The Tit Pillow

All y'all single lads out there: I am honored to bring you... the tit pillow. We all know those lonely nights tend to get, well... lonely, and what could be better than cuddling up to a warm, soft, tit-shaped pillow, I ask you?

Spotted recently at an Easter fair in Kutná Hora, the tit pillow really boils down femininity to its essence. At only 190 kč a pop, it's cheaper than a trip to Darlings and probably a safer option. It's the Czech equivalent of a Snuggie.

Ostrava's, like, the Williamsburg of the Czech Republic

The New York Times is promoting Ostrava as a place to visit. I go back and forth on this. To be fair, I've never been. And I could see myself visiting, but only because I ALREADY LIVE in the Czech Republic.

Otherwise, ancient metaworks aside, it seems like a strange stop for someone who's coming from the other side of the Atlantic.

Vegan Recipe: Can the Real Peanut Sauce Please Stand Up?

It's that time again: The Vegan Recipe of the Week by our lovely contributor Martina Martinez. Get jiggy with some peanut butter and tofu over the long weekend!


A rich peanut sauce poured over a shitty meal will make you want to dip your fork in it, atop a mediocre meal will make you sing and streak, and, if coupled with something delicious, might just melt your heart. If flat beans sound a little too healthy, you can substitute them with pretty much any veggie you like, though they add that vibrant green and needed crunch to it all and are in season: so, easy and cheap to get.

Stuff you'll need:
1/2 cup rice
1 shredded carrot
1 cup flat beans (Oyster mushrooms cut into stripes work magically as well, but, unless you don't mind chewing away your teeth, stay away from the stringy snow peas.)
1 package of tofu
pinch of salt
vegetable oil for frying (Peanut oil works nicely.)

For the glaze:
1 tbs mirin
1 tbs soy sauce

For the peanut sauce:
1/2 cup peanut butter (The crunchy kind spices up the texture.)
1/2 cup coconut milk
1 tbs sugar
1 tbs soy sauce
heaping tsp of crushed ginger
juice of 1 lime

Adding flavour to your big white tofu:
1/3 cup mirin
2 tbs tamari
1 tbs vegetable oil (Sesame or peanut works well.)
chunk of ginger, diced
2 cloves smashed garlic


If you're short of time or effort, feel free to skip the marinating bit, though, you'll like yourself more if you let the tofu swim, even if just for an hour. So, basically, all you have to do is cut up the tofu into 2cm cubes, mix the marinade ingredients and immerse your very-white and still-bland tofu in it, flipping it every 30 or so minutes.

Get the rice cooking! Cut the beans into thirds and shred that carrot. Boil some salty water and blanch the beans, boiling them for just about a minute and then running them under ice-cold water.

Meanwhile, you can put together that aaaah-mmmmm peanuty concoction by, well, blending the six ingredients.

Once the rice has done its time, just fry it for about 5 minutes on high heat, adding the carrot and frying for another 3 or so minutes.

Afterwards also fry the tofu, marinated or not, for about 3 minutes on each side until golden. Once the heat is off, throw in those crunchy flat beans and the mirin-soy sauce glaze. Just toss it around for the flavours to blend.

The climax, then: Plate the fried rice, layer with the tofu-bean mix, and top with the peanuty sauce.

News Roundup:Blah.

There really isn't all that much going on today that would be fun to point out or relay. Sorry, guys.

- Obama is making a holiday of his trip to Prague, staying overnight for an extra day of fun talks with European leaders, such as the prime ministers of Hungary and Poland.

-Former communist prosecutor Ludmila Brožová-Polednová, most famous or rather, notorious, for her participation in the 1950s show trial of Milada Horáková (Czech national hero) weaseled her way out of a prison sentence of six years for assisting in the judicial murder of said Horáková. On the grounds of presidential amnesties given to her in 1953 and 1990, her sentence will now end in 2011. Read more about the background here.

BARS: Hidden in plain sight

The New York Times said the Týnská literární kavárna is where "local writers and students" meet up. Ooh la la, New York Times. But don't worry, the rest of us feel at home there, too. When I was there last night it was packed with almost exclusively Czech speakers, with the exception of a large table of French, staff from the Institut Francais.



Even for a regular, the squat, arched door is easy to walk past once the sun's gone down. There are no windows to betray the flickering glow of a busy cafe, so you have to know what you're looking for. Inside, it's warmly lit with a few different rooms to choose from. One of the best parts of the cafe isn't open yet--its patio. The patio is unique in that it's tightly enclosed on all sides, no street noise to speak of, but enough sunlight gets in to make it pleasantly warm during the summer. Here's a look out the doors onto the patio:



The cafe has a long list of coffees, teas and juices, a fully stocked bar and Bernard beer on tap. The beers range from 10 to 13 degrees, the 13 degree one being a dark beer.


I'd forgotten how great the cafe really is, taken it for granted, I suppose. When I brought out of town visitors there one night they loved the quirky door and said "this is great!" as soon as we walked in. I like being reminded every now and again that I live in Prague, and it's pretty fantastic.

Events Roundup: Hoppy Thursday

A perfect night to stay in and bake a carrot cake, methinks. Easter is coming up and I'm still largely incapacitated by "jarní únava" or spring fatigue, so you won't see me hopping around at any of those parties.

POETRY:

- The beautiful and talented Annie Brechin, a recent UK transplant to Prague, will be reading at the Poézié Suterén series tonight at 8 p.m, at Shakespeare's and Son's on Krýmská 12. If you haven't seen her yet, you should go, and if you have, you don't need me to tell you to.

FREAKY GLAMOUR:

-Oh Lord. The Cloud 9 Sky bar on top of the Hilton Hotel is having a "hetero-friendly" party. There will be reduced prices on long drinks, a music show, a party guide and the dress code is "chic crazy/freaky glamour/ nightly decadent" If you're not scared, go and check it out at 9 p.m. for free. I'll be hiding at home with my cake.

SPORT:

-The March madness continues over at the Czech Inn Kavarna, tonight at 6 p.m. with cheapo Budvars and college basketball players. While the appeal of that is lost on me, I will acknowledge that one man's tea is another man's coffee.

Morning Roundup: Charles Bridge is falling down

-This is a shame: The Czech Republic's best tennis player, Radek Štěpánek, is taking a hiatus from tennis because he's suffering from "fatigue syndrome," a condition that was diagnosed in the states recently. I'm not sure if that's the same as Chronic Fatigue, either way, rough deal.

-Prague has been fined 3.5 million crowns for royally effing up its reconstruction of Charles Bridge. Maybe you should keep the hordes of tourists off of it for a bit, give it a breather. Although to be fair, reconstructing a medieval bridge is probably pretty hard.

-The Czech telegram died yesterday, after 160 years. I had no idea you could still send those things.

Events Roundup: Out like a lamb

Last day of March, and the weather is... nice-ish. But back to lambs. It's terrible! Never have I wanted so badly to both eat and cuddle something! Unfortunately I encounter little lambies in food form more often than I do in cuddling form... so .... sorry lambie.

CLUBS (you won't see this category too often, don't worry)

-It's Wednesdays 4Free at Mecca tonight! This was posted a while ago on a now defunct blog, but it's a pretty full rundown on why you SHOULD NOT GO. I have yet to visit any of the bigger clubs in the Prague environs, but I've heard Cross Club is worth a trek. The problem is there's an 80 percent chance I'll stand there with my arms crossed and make like a seventh grader at a middle school dance. I'm a party pooper.

MUSIC

-For a more subdued affair, try The Royal Oak's open mic night, starting at 8 p.m. Anny Letenske 18, Prague 2-Vinohrady.

-Mon Ami restaurant has "Fish, Wine and Robin" tonight at 8 p.m. at its Vrsovice location on Kodanska 47. Entrance is free. Robin has a blue satin shirt and takes requests on his keyboard. Yes, I think that's awesome. I'm also recommending it, though, because I love their food. They have a Balkan 'burger' that's half lamb, which makes it taste better, and their grilled sardines are fresh, delicious and a SUPERFOOD. I'm pretty obsessed with superfoods at the moment.

WATCH: Puppiebooboo soothes crying baby

Dog Sings To Soothe Crying Baby - Watch more Funny Videos

Ok, seriously, if your eyes don't tear up a bit over this or at least your heart goes: "AAAAAW!", then I suggest you go see a therapist.

The dog in this video hears the nearby baby cry and erupts into a beautiful and harmonious song that soothes the infant. Ultimate proof that doggies are our best friends.

WTF: Kitten tears

This was spotted at a Billa grocery store. Just try and say no to that! Never mind what the charity actually is, can't you see that kitten is CRYING?

News Roundup: Teenage Kicks.

-OMG OMG OMG! Remember the guy that brought us stuffed animal tourism? Like, have your teddy bear's picture taken in front of Charles Bridge and then, let it enjoy a massage in the park, all for the sensational price of only 100 Euros? This same guy, who is the head of the Czech National Association of Travel Agencies, Tomio Okamura, has received an unofficial offer to replace freak show Michal Kocáb as Human Rights Minister. I KNOW!

-Why this took 10 days to break I dunno, because I don't think my life was complete until I knew that Jean-Claude van Damme kicked a bottle of wine off the head of "some Czech guy" at the Miss Czech beauty contest in Prague.

-Around this time next week, Prague will be in throes of Obama-mania, when Mr. President Barack Obama and his Russian buddy Dimitry Medvedev sign a new disarmament treaty in (bleck-worthy nickname for Prague coming up) "the city of a thousand spires". The Czech air force is in on it, too, and will use Gripen fighters to secure air space. That's some serious shit.

Events Roundup: I'd like to be... under the sea.

Is it wrong to already dream of the upcoming long weekend on a Tuesday? Maybe, or maybe just masochistic. Ah well. It's sunny and breezy and beautiful out and the birds are chirping. I'm watching the scene from my office and yearning to join the merriment. If, like me, you have to wait until tonight to experience le fun, check this:

Party:

-BEATLES Party that is. The Red Room is having a goodbye event for someone I don't know, but it goes hand in hand with a screening of "Yellow Submarine" and live Beatles covers later on in the night, as well as Beatles tunes being DJed. I don't think I used the term Beatles enough in this paragraph, so if you like The Beatles, you should go to the Beatles Party at The Red Room (Myslíková 28) tonight at 8 p.m.


Theater:

-Tonight is the night for the chosen three in this year's Prague Playwriting Contest. Catch the last performance of the three best plays and be there for when the jury decides which lucky playwright takes home a cash award of 10,000 kč. I wish I had thought ahead and participated, considering how broke I am now. Show starts at 7:30 p.m. at Divadlo Ponec, tickets are 220 kč.

Food:

-I don't know about you, but I'd love to be able to make my own fucking Gnocchi, since these little Italian potato dumplings are really SOOOO delicious. If you wanna learn how to make Gnocchi alla Romana, stop by Gallery Hunger (U Rajské Zahrady 2) tonight at 7 p.m. and become a Gnocchi making master FOR FREE! Seriously, what's not to love?

Sports and Comedy:

-Experience the Czech Inn Kavárna (Francouská 76) at its shizophrenic best: 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. March Madness aka College Basketball, followed by Too Soon?! comedy night at 8p.m. All at no charge whatsoever.

Good Cop, Bad Cop: The Sociopath

This week in GCBC: How do you survive day-to-day human interaction if you just can't bring yourself to do, say and feel the right thing? As always, if you want advice from Good Cop borufkaberry and Bad Cop Captain Sensible, write us at praggeist@gmail.com


Dear GCBC,
I hate most people and nobody understands me. I don't see any point in small talk, and I'm completely lost when it comes to social conventions. The amount of times I've put my foot in my mouth because I didn't say the right thing or failed to notice new haircuts or remark on people's losses... I don't get it. Is a new haircut really such a big fucking deal? And why should I send you my condolences because some third degree cousin I never even met (and you probably saw twice at some family gathering) passed away?

I'm truly lost. Is there a course where I can learn this shit? Or should I not even bother and just be real?

Sincerely,
Cut the Bullshit



Dear CTB,
Well well well. Let Mama tell ya sumthin': There's not always a logical rhyme or reason to why certain things are considered rude, it's rites, rituals and habits that have been established over thousands of years, and human life doesn't always make sense. So take your brains out of this and stop asking "Why?". Just do it. Say the nice thing. Try to put yourself into someone else's shoes. Because you know what? It pays off. People are nice back. And sometimes, a little smile is all it takes to make your day.

Much love,
Good Cop.

Dear CTB,

You neglected to include one key piece of information: your age. Because if you’re 15 and “nobody understands you” then you’re just a self-obsessed teen and will grow out of it. But if you’re over 20 (which I’m going to assume), you must have some kind of arrested development. How come you’ve got no people skills? Were you raised by wolves? In any case, how do you imagine the human race would get by without small talk and the ability to navigate social conventions? I’m genuinely curious. Are you capable of smiling? That would probably cover up for a bit of your inane chat deficiency (this does not apply in the case of bereavements). As for friends’ haircuts, just say “new hairstyle? Nice”. It’s just three words and won’t hurt too much, believe me. In fact a few words will suffice in most of the situations which seem to cause you pain. Finally, relax about hating most people. In that at least you’re normal.

Best,
Bad Cop.

Peep: NO NO NO NO NO NO

This just confirms everything I've suspected about the ocean, namely that it harbors unimaginable monsters that want to bite your feet when you're swimming. This two-foot "giant isopod" was snapped after it was found attached to an ROV (remotely operated underwater vehicle). Apparently it's "normal" and people already know about it, but I sure as hell didn't.

From Reddit via New York Magazine

Morning Roundup: The sky is blue

-Hey, guys? Ricky Martin needs to talk to you. Can you sit down? This is really hard for him. Um, he's gay. There. He said it. He hopes this doesn't change anything, you know, like your perception of him as a beautiful, fiery Latin flower that makes his music come alive with sequins and dreams. God, it's been so hard, for Ricky, all these years, holding up this machismo facade of an Alpha male in tight pants who tears through the groupies in every city he goes to. Everyone thought he was livin' the vida loca, but he was just livin' a lie, you see? But that's all over, from here on out Ricky Martin is gay gay gay and he doesn't care who knows it!


-Oh, look at this, haha, Reuters made a "Czech" joke. Except it actually doesn't even make any sense, alas, because nobody's actually 'bouncing' a Czech, it's just Jean Claude Van Damn kicking a wine bottle of some guy's head at the Miss Czech Beauty Contest, like a trashy William Tell. You make sense of that, I'm not going to try.

But man, that's crazy how you can change out "check" for "Czech" and it's a clever joke! Last night I was at the Mount Eerie/No Kids show at Klub 007, and the insufferably cool girl keyboardist in No Kids told the crowd that it was too bad her band couldn't "Czech out Prague... get it? 'Czech?'" Yeah, they get it, hipster, they've just heard it fifty million times from foreigners and the joke's a little tired. Nobody laughed.

-Michael Kocab has finally succeeded in leaving his post as Human Rights Minister. This time it was because his party, the Greens, are protesting Prime Minister Jan Fischer's government. I feel for the guy, because work was probably the only thing keeping him sane. At home, he's got a wife he recently humiliated when the tabloids jumped on his affair with his spokesperson. Good luck with that!

Events Roundup: When marketing backfires

MUSIC

-And this week's Terrible Band Description award goes to The Subways, pictured at left, who are playing tonight at 8 p.m. at Lucerna for 500 Kc. Nothing says ROCK like a hot guitar-playing chick, a guy so awesome at the guitar that he can jump and a shirtless drummer. What are they like, you ask?

"The Subways have quickly established themselves as one of Britain's most undeniably “Arse kicking – will someone please turn that mutha up” bands. Live they will blow your brains clear through the back of your skull and leave your body flopping around like a helpless rag doll being shaken by a very petulant child who’s forgotten to take their Ritalin."

Why would I want that experience??!!

-Mount Eerie plays tonight at Strahov Klub 007. Here's a review of the latest album. Mount Eerie is Phil Everum, who was previously The Microphones. Also playing is "indie pop" Canadian band No Kids. 7:30 p.m.

MOVIES

-Febio Fest continues tonight with a huge variety of foreign films to choose from, playing at various venues throughout Prague. Here's tonight's schedule. Luckily, most of the films have both Czech AND English subtitles, so take advantage!

WATCH: The Stuff of Nightmares

The Expat Plug and Play party went down at SaSaZu (club, restaurant and creator of my favorite web site) on March 19, and the video and photos are up. I thought I was being a pervo for thinking plug and play sounded like some gross metaphor for sex, but I've been reassured that yes, that's what they were going for:



Here's the video.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=411375711277&ref=mf

Is this what the expat community is like? I have a social circle that consists of about ten people, so I can't really say either way if this is what it's really like. And while I like to keep my misanthropic people-hating to a minimum, this event particularly stoked my ire because of how stupid and boring Expats commenters can be. Have you read those threads? It's the same people, and they seem to know each other, and they're AWFUL. And now they had a party.

Peep: Psychedelic Gambling Carpets!

The New Yorker has a slideshow of the trippiest carpets casinos have to offer, the better to keep you awake with, I suppose.

Slide Show: The Carpets of Vegas

News Roundup: Models and Pornstars.

-It may not seem plausible to you after your everyday commute with the metro, but a Czech man has come in second in the Mr. World beauty contest held in Seoul. He has cheesy 80s hair and looks like he should work as one of those cocktail bartenders that do "crazy tricks" with the shaker and stuff, but that's just me not giving him enough credit. Because Mr. Beautiful Josef Karas took this contest very seriously: "Before he went to Seoul, Karas was training to be in a good shape and he learnt the basics of the Korean language."

-Former president and general darling Václav Havel would like to see the head of People in Need, Šimon Pánek, become the next president. He also mentioned again that a lady president would be a good thing.

-Is this news item 5 days old? Yes. Will I still share it with you despite its non-freshness? Yes! It's ridiculous enough to warrant attention even days later. This is a perfect example of a journo pulling something out of their ass because there's nothing real to write about. "Amid a persisting economic crisis, men in the Czech Republic are increasingly turning to a booming underground industry for a shot at prosperity - gay porn." Czech men paying their bills with gay porn? Are you serious? Surely, this is much less a trend than maybe a few individual cases. I love the picture though. If you're gonna work in gay porn, make sure to wear socks with the national flag on them.

WATCH: More UK bunnies!

Staying on the cute- bunnies- who- live- in- England beat that slow loris kicked off yesterday, I bring you a video that I came across on cuteoverload.com, a website where all things cute find a home. It's a cat that has adopted a baby bunny and treats him as one of her own babies. That's a stark contrast to the loris' mother from our newsroundup earlier. Big Thumbs Up!

Watch it here.

Events Roundup: It's the freakin' weekend

The Walrus and the Carpenter

Tonight

Everything. Do everything, tonight, because at the stroke of midnight this vision of late Spring turns into rainy and highs of 50 all weekend. No point asking why, it just is. Sunny days happen on workdays and leave you looking out your cold window on Saturday at 3 p.m. at the grayness and the rain. But give it another month and days like today will be expected, not an exception.

MUSIC

-Sofa Surfers from Austria play Akropolis tonight at 7:30 p.m. The name doesn't quite jibe with the description of their music. I was guessing beachy laid back rock. But assuming makes me look like an asshole, or something like that. Their new album, Blindside, "is an expressive creation that absorbs soul and noise, only to reflect it back, demanding physical listening (head banging, jumping, screaming) from the audience." Did you get that? Soul-absorbing.
FOOD

-Gallery Hunger has all-you-can-eat Gnocchi for only 99 Kc. Chef Michael Corkery writes that said gnocchi will "be unlike any other you have ever tasted and light as a feather." The man knows how to sell his gnocchi! The dumplings will be served in a sauce allemande with mushrooms. 8 p.m. BYOB. U Rajské zahrady 2, Prague 3 - Zizkov.


SATURDAY


FOOD

-Dear Frank Haughton,

You are the owner of Caffreys in Old Town, and of the newly re-opened James Joyce Pub. For nine years now, you have organized the Czech Republic's Oyster Shucking Championship. People, like me, can go to Old Town Square and eat raw oysters, as many as I want! Are you married? I love you. We could just be friends? I'll be at the oyster contest that begins tomorrow at 2 p.m. in Old Town Square, wearing a blue shirt and holding a red rose.

Kisses,

Slow Loris.

-Gallery Hunger hosts "Food for Dudes" at 1 p.m., a cooking lesson that takes into consideration the disconnect between a single man's needs and his abilities in the kitchen. Just kidding guys! On the menu is the traditional roast: Oven roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, yorkshire pudding, sauteed mushrooms and bread pudding. Seriously, if you know how to cook, you have about a 20 percent better chance of getting laid. Not enough on its own, but if you're on the fence, it gives you that added advantage. 500 Kc. Call 722 186 547 to reserve a spot.


SUNDAY

-I must really love Gallery Hunger, or something. Actually I've never been. But this Sunday they're hosting a traditional Sunday roast with beetroot and blue cheese salad, braised chicken with root vegetables, roasted potatoes, yorkshire and bread puddings. Starts at 2 p.m., costs 250 Kc and is BYOB.

-In case this weekend was really disappointing or you didn't find yourself in enough awkard social situations (they're everywhere!) try speed dating at Cafe Bresto on Štěpánská 31. Starts at 7 p.m., the cost is 350 Kc and you have to sign up in advance here.

-It's March madness! And Czech Inn is showing some of the tournament games starting at 6 p.m. Convenient timing, as the Czech Inn has a happy hour every day from 6-8 p.m. with 20 crown budvars. Francouzska 76, Prague 10, on the 22 tram line.

-You can also catch the college basketball games on the big screen at The Globe. Specials on chicken wings: 10 wings for 100 Kc, 15 for 150 Kc and 30 for 250 Kc.

Vegan Recipe: Confetti Rice Cakes

Friday is vegan-recipe-day over here at praggeist. This week, our resident vegan cooking and baking godfairy Martuna Martinez has a nice and healthy spring snack for you. Enjoy!

Confetti risotto cakes

Yes, this is like a party in your mouth--when anise, orange zest, and minty caramelized onions get together and start popping carrot confetti and juggling rice grains.

To make this spring fest of four, you'll need:


1/2 cup uncooked rice, whichever you prefer
1 shredded carrot
1/2 pack of tofu, around 100-150g (You can store the rest immersed in water in an air-tight container for a couple of days if you remember to change the water daily.)
1 tbs of anise
juice of 1 orange
1 tsp of orange zest
1 squeeze of lemon juice
pinch of salt
pinch of cardamon

2 smaller or 1 gigantic onion
2 tsp of sugar
handful fresh mint leaves
sunflower oil


Rinse and then cook yer rice with some of that salt. Don't overcook! Looking ahead, you might wanna preheat the oven to 170C and lightly grease the muffin tins.

Meanwhile, crumble the tofu into a bowl or blender. Squeeze the life out of the orange and not all that much out of the lemon, add the zest, and blend till creamy.

In a bigger bowl, mix rice with carrot, anise and a tad of cardamon, and fold in that tropics-smelling tofu cream. Fill up the muffin tins all the way and smell the cakes bake for 25-30 minutes. (You can use the same ol' toothpick/ knife/ chopstick test with these.)

For the rooftop partay, you'll just need to heat up the oil on low heat, slice the onions finely into rings, and toss them along with the sugar. Let them sit, stirring very infrequently for as long as the cakes are baking (20-30 minutes). Feel free to add more oil if the rings are sticking to the pan. Once the heat is off, throw in the whole mint leaves and give it all a toss to blanket them in that finger-licking juice that required so little effort to make.

Cool the cakes before attempting to get them out. Dress them pretty with the minty onion. Now all you need is some Andrew WK.

Prague-Centric: Start of the Season

This is my third March in Prague, and about this time every year one question is on everyone's mind: Are the beer gardens open?

I can't speak for Riegrovy Sady, possibly the biggest beer garden in Prague. But possibly the loveliest beer garden, in Letná, has started selling beer to anyone who wants to spend the afternoon and evening in its shade.

Letná is everything Riegrovy is not. There is no big screen playing house music countdowns on MTV. The beer glasses are plastic, most every table is shaded and at night the majority of the lighting comes from twinkling Old Town Prague across the river. The view is soothing and expansive and makes your buzz that much greater.

I'd suggest you try it out today. The weather isn't supposed to hold this weekend, or even for the foreseeable future.

News Roundup: Loris babies and boring disarmament treaties.

-WTF? Really? Surely, there must have been a better picture available to illustrate the fact that the heads of state of America and Russia will be signing a disarmament treaty right here in Prague on April 8.

-He be gone. Topol, that is. I feel the ODS is like a five year old kid that is trying to get its parents' attention. Seriously, I can't take it no mo'. Topol has been replaced by Pavel Nečas as the election leader. It's kind of a big fucking deal, I know, but I'm tired of Topol, the ODS and Czech party politics in general. Sigh.

-Mr. Social Democrats leader Jiří Paroubek, staying true to his character and taking advantage of any opportunity to diss, said that if Pavel Nečas won't distance himself from ODS key figures such as Ivan Langer, Pavel Bém and of course Topol, things in the party will remain the way they used to be "with the same bad actors, just that now, they've lost their clown." That's kind of a heartbreaking image. I'm picturing one of those ugly porcelain clown dolls with a drawn-on tear on their cheek with Topol's face.

-And lastly, BIG NEWS for my fellow contributor slow loris: Two rare loris twins were born in Děčín zoo. Check them out, they're sooooooooooooooooo cute!

Unfortunately, the mother has only accepted one of them, the other is in the care of a zoo employee. I quote: "The keepers found one of the young lying helplessly on the floor." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I think my heart just burst into a million pieces. A pygmy loris baby rejected by its own mother? I'm willing to adopt, just throwing that out there!

WATCH: You don't cuddle Ralph, Ralph cuddles YOU

Events Roundup: Wooooofie!

Isn't this the cutest photo ever? I'm a big fan of art that involves chihuahuahs, or anything that involves chihuahuahs for that matter.

What's happening today? Let's take a look:

Music:

-All the cool kids are gonna go see Chain& the Gang with none other than Mr. Ian Svenonius formerly of The Make Up. Rowr. 8 p.m. at Final Club (Příběnická 8), tickets are 250 kč at the do-ah.

-If playing yourself is more your groove, and you got the blues, stop in to The Royal Oak (Anny Letenské 18) and participate in their blues jam. Starts at 7:30 p.m., no cover.

-Or you could go sing and play your little heart out over at the Czech Inn Kavarna (Francouská 76) at 8 p.m.

Chocolate:

-If you like it sweet, tonight's your night over at Gallery Hunger (U Rajské Zahrady 2). In this week's Chocolate Addicts workshop, you will learn to make chocolate mousse, chocolate cheesecake and a chocolate flan. Only 250 kč to participate, starts at 7 p.m., RSVP here.

Poetry:

-Thursday night is Poezie Suterén night, tonight over at Shakespeare's and Son's (Krýmská 12), this week with Vincent Farnsworth, Joshua Mensch and Louis Armand. Starts at 8 p.m., no cover.

Movies:

-For fans of Rembrandt or the French Institute (Štěpanská 35) screenings, I recommend catching Nightwatching tonight at 7 p.m., a movie about the creation of the painters' "The Nightwatching." 80 kč.

Bar Review: Hajnovka

So you're in Prague 2 and you want to go to a Czech pub. Vinohrady's strength are its bars, but for those who want a more pubby, homey and Czech food filled option, Hajnovka provides all that. And it's affordable. And super central. And unlike many expat hideouts, you don't run into Prague's entire population of English teachers at this roomy establishment right on Vinohradská. At a recent visit, I had a skewer of bratwurst and bacon with horseraddish, mustard and a big basket of bread for about 100 kč. It was superdelicious, even the bratwurst was decent, and that's quite a compliment coming from someone who grew up on the original Nuremberg variety. It was a daily special though, so don't sue me if you don't find it there when you go.

You can also choose from a bounty of Czech classics such as an excellent goulash there and different kinds of fried cheese. They do a fried cauliflower, baked duck with honey and also more modern interpretations of pub grub. Beer prices are fair with a Gambrinus going for 25 kč. If you're going on a weekend night, I'd recommend reserving a table as the place tends to fill up, even though it's pretty big.

Hajnovka Pub
Vinohradská 25
Praha 2
Tel.: 224 218 386
Website: http://www.hajnovka.agtoptip.eu

Morning Roundup: Same as it ever was

-Allegro, the restaurant both you and I will never be able to afford, has defended its Michelin star for the third year in a row, thanks to Executive Chef Andrea Accordi. It's the only restaurant in Prague and Eastern Europe with the culinary distinction. Fancy! Know what they're eating for dinner tonight there? For starters, a "Duo of Sea Scallops - Wrapped in Guanciale on Candied Fennel,Dried Fruit Chips and Sage, Tartare with Winter Black Truffle and Topinambour, Walnut Crisp and Trevisian Radicchio." I'm making black beans and rice tonight, so excited!

-I woke up this morning and decided I hated all politicians, and then I felt a little sad that I'd crossed that line of being completely cynical about everything. Mirek Topolanek continues to make me feel justified in that, however. Now, in spite of the fact that EVERYONE hates him and he's a turd, he won't leave unless he can take others with him.

-Cops were waiting for the Greenpeace protestors when they finally climbed down from the smokestacks yesterday, after protesting the Prunerov coal-fired plant. The jokes on you, cops! Jail's WAY better than sleeping on top of a smokestack.

-The head of the Georgian Mafia was arrested in Prague. I have no idea what Georgia is like, but I would imagine that guy is scary as hell, and his mafia makes our little mafia stateside look like the boyscouts.

-Expat biker gets honked at by Czech motorists, and says the word dickhead like fifty times, except he spells it d***head, and says the driver should have gotten his ass kicked. Men can be serious dumbasses sometimes. I used to HATE cyclists in the road, and would yell at them from out of my car window (I'm angry and aggressive). Then a cyclist ran into me when I was walking one day, I had tire marks on my leg, and I was super embarassed as it was on campus. Karma, it's real!

Events Roundup: Tuesday Boozeday

-I've been repping Bukowski's free sangria night on Tuesdays a lot, but now I'm going to add my disappointing footnote. Last time I went, they were out of Sangria by 8 p.m., one hour after the damn thing started. So if you're looking to score some free cheap wine with apple bits, get there early. Bořivojova 86, Žižkov, Prague 3.


-Our man Dany hosts quiz night at The Globe tonight beginning at 8 p.m. Cost is 100 Kc per team. Pstrossova 6 Prague 1

-The Muddum Art Center is showing a Japanese film with English subtitled called Taste of Tea, for free! At 8 p.m. Kostelni 24, Letna, Prague 7.

WTF: I said banana PEPPERS!

I stumbled across this pizza last Saturday morning on my way to the potraviny. From a distance, I saw a pizza box and several pieces of a pizza, and wondered in horror why anyone would throw away a PIZZA, possibly the best food on earth. When I got closer, I stopped to take a look, because I'm gross.
I quickly figured out why the pizza was on the sidewalk. It had banana slices and what appeared to be curry powder on it. I would have thrown it in disgust, too. I'm all for creative toppings, but enough is enough.

News Roundup: Four men, two dead

-Ah, the drama. Will he stay, will he go? Negotiations within the upper ranks of the Civic Democrats (ODS) went on for hours and hours, but eventually, the head of the senate Přemysl Sobotka's effort o get rid of Topol cuz he ran his mouth over the weekends in a most unwise fashion was unsuccessful. Yet more proof that Czech politics is a total pricktease.

-AAAAAAH!!!! Dead body mix-up in Přerov. Apparently the two men were the same age when they died. One was buried a day before the other and had to be exhumated and re-buried in his proper spot. That's just awful.

-We're sending you good ju-ju, Mr. (former president) Havel! The cutest and most lovable of all Czech politicans, who is prone to breathing difficulties, is ill again and had to cancel an event with Prince Charles as well as a visit to Georgia. That's okay, Vašku, you don't hafta make every party. Get some rest. Seriously though, he's the most adorable little man ever.

Events Roundup: Czechmate!

Chess:
-Unleash your inner nerd and wow them with some chess moves, tonight at The Royal Oak's (Anny Letenské 18) Chess Club meeting, starts at 7:30 p.m., no cover.

Fashion/Party:
-Vice magazine is holding a fashion show tonight at 8 p.m. Final Club (Příběnická 8) , there's no cover but you have to follow the 2nd hand look dress code, otherwise they threaten to ask you to strip naked. There's DJs and other fashion show typical shenanigans.

Sports:
-March madness college basketball at the Czech Inn (Francouská 76) which also coincides with their 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. happy hour that features 20 kč Budvars.

Food:
-It's Taste Test Tuesday over at Gallery Hunger (U Rajské Zahrady 2), and risotto is what's for dinner. Basically that means a free lesson that starts at 7 p.m. and culminates in a yummy meal. You can bring ingredients such as onion, garlic, parmesan or two parsnips if you want to contribute something. Make sure to let chef Michael Corkery know if you are coming and what you'd be bringing.

Cinema:
-If you have 200 minutes and 100 kč, go over to Světozor (Vodičková 39) to check out Děti 50. let (Children of the 50s). It's a compilation of seven documentaries made by FAMU students. All of them deal with daughters of policial prisoners in the 1950s, who were labelled "children of enemies of the state" and how that affected their lifes. Sounds really interesting, starts at 6:30 p.m.

GCBC: A transatlantic one-way street.

In this week's Good Cop, Bad Cop, borufkaberry and Captain Sensible tackle a transatlantic love affair that is a matter of perception. Anne wants Honza. Honza doesn't want Anne, but she can't see that. As always, send in your problems, questions about etiquette and other social dilemmas to praggeist@gmail.com!

Dear GCBC,

I am currently hosting a friend of mine and boy has it turned into a shit storm. I met this friend, we'll call her Anne, while she was doing a semester abroad from the U.S. as a graduate student. During that time, she met a Czech man, we'll call him Honza. For three weeks, they were banging. From the very beginning, he said he didn't want a relationship, and Anne said she was fine with that.

But by the end, she thought she loved him and told him this against ALL of my advice.He said he didn't feel the same. In the end it didn't matter, because she left to go back home. Unfortunately, she went back to the U.S. telling her friends she has a boyfriend named Honza. I'm pretty sure she came here to try to be with him again, and it's all she's talking about.

I even tried the "cheesy girls night" with that stupid face stuff and watching Sex and the City. The worst part is he keeps hanging out with her, because he thinks they're friends.

I've never experienced this level of delusion and crazy before. Do I keep trying to talk some sense into her or do I cut ties as soon as she's on the plane back home?

Sincerely,

Whoever

Dear Whoever,

You mean you did the cucumber facial thing with her? Boy, you're a good friend. Well, good cop here believes in letting things take their natural course. Clearly, your friend's delusion is in part due to the fact that she's trying to shield herself from the hurt that could ensue if she admitted to herself that Honza doesn't reciprocate her feelings.

When the time has come, I'm sure Anne will admit that to herself. Until then, just being there as a friend and spending time with her is the best you can do.

If her talking about the pointless love/obsession she has for Honza becomes to much for you to handle, don't feel bad switching topics or telling her politely that you don't want to talk about it anymore.

Hope I could help,

Good Cop

Dear Whoever,

Sounds to me like she's the one who needs some of my good Bad Cop advice, not you. Not that she'd be likely to heed even my advanced wisdom, as the girl is clearly doolally and unhealthily obsessed with this Honza guy. I mean, for christ's sake, you even tried cheesy girls nights (what's 'stupid face stuff'? Wearing deliberately bad makeup? Guess I've seen some women on them nights out). Just drop her as a friend. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be cruel.

Bad Cop

News Roundup: Adventures in Siberia

-The weather channel told me it's going to be a high of 59 degrees today. That's almost 60!! Good luck trying to do ANY work today (I'm talking to myself here).

-You know who doesn't like nice weather? These guys. They spent 25 days trekking across 650 km on frozen Baikal Lake in Siberia. Let's think about that for a minute. You're a person of means, clearly, if you can take off for a month to some remote part of the world and have all the equipment necessary to sustain yourself. You're also quite adventurous. And for your big adventure, you choose to walk across a FROZEN LAKE IN SIBERIA. Those guys are assholes.

-Members of Mirek Topolanek's own party want him to resign over his own personal Mel Gibson moment. Unfortunately he wasn't even drunk when he talked about gays, Jews and Catholics. Everyone acts all shocked and offended, but this is the same guy that walked around with a boner at Silvio Berlusconi's Villa of Earthly Delights. That last link is NSFW guys!

-Greenpeace protesters have scaled a 300 meter smokestack to protest the Prunerov coal plant in North Bohemia, and plan on spending "several" nights there. I'm glad there are people like this out there, because there are a whole lot of other people out there like me, who would never, ever get riled up enough about anything to spend several nights on a smokestack. You know what I'm planning on doing this weekend? A paint by numbers of a kitten and a puppy that Borufkaberry got me for my birthday. I know, I wonder what my purpose on this planet is, too.

WATCH: The only musical I like

This stands on it's own, so here you go.

Events Roundup: Springtime,

For Hit-ler, and Geeeeeermanyyyy! Thanks Mel Brooks, for making me sing that in my head everytime I hear "springtime." Seriously, without fail. Spring sprang on Saturday and now we're in that terrible seasonal no-man's land: It's no longer Winter, but the beer gardens have yet to open. I suppose I could "walk" in the park. People do that, right?

-I clicked on this link because it said "Free Culture" is being shown at the Dox Center for Contemporary Art. Well it's not true! It's 180 crowns! Wrap your head around that one! It's about copyrights, but the description made me headachy and reminded me how much I hate the word "utilize." Just say "use," people.

-Czech Inn has trivia night starting at 8 p.m., with a happy hour during the preceeding two hours.

-Richard Gere's silver fox sex voice narrates a documentary about Tibet. That sounds a lot grosser than I thought it would be. "Mustang - Journey of Transformation tells the remarkable story of a Tibetan culture pulled back from the brink of extinction through the restoration of its most sacred sites. Storytellers include His Holiness the Dalai Lama, the King of Mustang, and Luigi Fieni, the chief art restorer." At Kino Aero at 8:30 p.m. for 90 Kc.

Restaurant Review: Good morning, Vietnam!

Or good evening, more like. Pictured above is what I had at a recent dinner visit to Ha Noi, hailed as the only restaurant to serve Vietnamese food in Prague's center. The place had Vinohrady residents buzzing a couple of months ago.

The main lure for me to finally visit were the spring rolls of the Vietnamese, non-fried variety, also known as Gỏi cuốn. Those things are lighter, more refreshing than and in my opinion superior to their fried cousins, because the flavors stand out very distinctively.

In the US, my favorite Vietnamese restaurant, New Orleans' Pho Tau Bay, served a perfectly executed version of this appetizer and often, I'd have them as a light summer lunch. They came with peanut dipping sauce and I'm drooling at the memory of their perfection. Sigh.

Anyway, here in Prague, Ha Noi is the only place within the city center that serves summer rolls. They come in pork, shrimp, chicken and beef, are 22 kč a pop and the best reason to go to this otherwise mediocre, if cheap restaurant.

We ordered the pork and the beef variety, both were filled with the meat, vermicelli, cilantro and pineapple and came with a sweet and sour, very liquid dipping sauce. I like to dip my summer rolls in peanut or plum sauce, but Hanoi's version also did the job of making the sticky surface a bit more moist.


For a main, I had the beef pho. If prepared properly, I think a bowl of pho could bring you back from the dead. Something about the spicy broth just opens up your sinuses and kills any germs.

That said, Hanoi's version did not have the allmighty powers that pho can sometimes have. It was not spicy at all. On the upside, the beef slices were tender enough, the noodles plenty and the serving overall was generous.


I'm a sucker for cilantro, too, so I was glad to see some lime and cilantro came on an extra plate. But: There were no soy sprouts or holy basil leaves and while I could make out some flavors of star anise, the ginger note was quite weak. Overall, the broth just wasn't the flavor explosion that pho should be.

I should've asked for some chili sauce to bring some spice into the soup, but I was too lazy. The server was friendly but elusive and seemed quite amused by everything I said, which is a nice touch.



My dinner companion ordered the fried pork and vermicelli. The pork was cheap quality but had a nice char to it, and the meal came with the same sauce that was included with the spring rolls. Meh. It was okay.



Ha Noi's biggest selling point is that it's really cheap. A meal with appetizers and two beers each came to about 350 kč. I would go back for the summer rolls. Even though they don't live up to the near perfect execution I've been spoiled by, they are quite a nice snack, especially with the warmer weather approaching.


Ha Noi Restaurant
Slezská 57
Praha 2
Tel.: (+420) 728 774 637